


Clueless

by MyssaMyss



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Marriage, suggestive but safe-for-work, when you're raised by a tree in a forest and have no idea how people work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 02:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20806889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyssaMyss/pseuds/MyssaMyss
Summary: Link wasn’t kidding. Malon stood frozen in complete, dumbfounded shock for several moments. Then, she burst out into violent giggles. Her betrothed, brave and mighty hero of Hyrule, slayer of countless evil foes,had absolutely no idea where babies came from.A short, safe-for-work comedy about how no one gave the Hero of Time a certain, very important Talk...





	Clueless

Malon sat on the hardwood floor of their bedroom, laughing hysterically. Piles of old clothing surrounded her like a cozy nest. Her cleaning had been interrupted by the rediscovery of a tiny woolen blouse that she now held in one hand. She clasped her splitting side with the other.

Link poked his blond head into the bedroom.

“What’s so funn—oh...” He caught sight of the shrunken blouse she was clutching and gave her a sheepish look. 

Malon paused her laughter to meet his eyes and give him a wicked grin. “Oh, _you know _what’s so funny, fairy boy,” she teased. Her husband’s slightly embarrassed expression prompted more of her giggles. Link crossed the room and placed a hand on her shuddering shoulder.

“No mercy for me, then? How was I supposed to know?” he shot back in mock protest.

She reached across her chest to set her own hand atop his, then she gazed up at him through her lashes and took an exaggerated breath. “Honey, how could you_ not _have known?”

She smiled, remembering what she still considered to be the most hilarious day of her life...

*** 

“Malon!” Link called to her from the yard. “Something went wrong!”

Malon grinned at the sound of her fiancé’s voice. The young man had only been working on Lon Lon Ranch for a few months, and he still needed a_ lot _of directions with the chores. Earlier that morning she had prepared several tubs of lye out in the yard and set Link to work on the laundry. Apparently that job had been too difficult, she thought with a chuckle.

She leaned her pitchfork against the barn’s wall and wiped the sweat from her brow before skipping into the yard. Across the grass stood her handsome betrothed, sunshine glinting in his golden hair, holding up a miniature white blouse that dripped with water.

Malon’s carefree thoughts screeched to a halt. Because the blouse Link was holding had NOT been miniature before its dip in the tub that morning.

“Wait, you put this in the HOT water?” Her voice flew through an octave.

“Yeah, of course. You said clothes get cleaner if you use hot water on them,” he told her innocently. 

“But, but, this was made of WOOL!” she sputtered. She snatched the tiny blouse from his hands and held it up to the sun woefully. She should have known better than to trust a wild forest boy with her laundry. For a supposed hero, he could be absolutely clueless. She threw an exasperated glance at her love. 

His blue eyes grew wide with sincere apology and his mouth turned down in a pleading frown. Her frustration melted. She couldn’t stay upset with his lovable, guilt-ridden face. 

She knew it wasn’t Link’s fault that he was raised in the Kokiri Forest separate from civilization, away from everyday chores like washing and cleaning. She couldn’t very well get mad at him when he was trying so darn hard to please her. Besides, there was something adorable about seeing the brave hero bested by some laundry. 

“It’s alright, fairy boy,” she told him with a sweet smile to prove her sincerity. Link gave a small, hopeful grin in return that made her heartbeat quicken. “We can get a new blouse on our trip to Castle Town today. It’s just clothing, no harm done.”

She took his strong hand in her own and gave a reassuring squeeze. Link’s hand tensed and he glanced sideways at the ground before gently returning the pressure. She adored that gentle shyness, the reserved way that he never pressured her into more than she was willing to give. It certainly made up for his cluelessness toward basic housework, she reminded herself. Surely heroes couldn’t be good at _everything_. 

*** 

Malon’s feet danced across the grey cobblestones of the market. She and Link were free to peruse the bustling stalls now that their deliveries were complete. She had been coming to Castle Town since she was a young girl, but Link’s presence had a way of elevating everything she did nowadays. She took in each familiar detail, now magnified by her happiness: the delicious smell of pastries from a nearby stall, the swish of brightly-colored skirts worn by women passing by, and the pleasant twang of a fiddler pulling notes near the large fountain.

Her eyes lingered on a small family standing by the fountain. A young, heavily pregnant woman rested against the fountain’s fence, while a man held the hand of a little boy who stood between them. Malon’s heart soared.

“Oh look, she’s just about ready to pop! I bet she’s excited!” Malon cooed. She adored children, especially tiny newborn babies that she could snuggle into her strong arms. She glanced at Link with eyes full of hope for their own future.

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking perplexed.

Malon gave him a dismayed _tsk_. “That baby’s due any day now. I’m surprised she even came to town,” she told Link quietly. He clearly didn’t have much experience with babies.

“Baby?” Link muttered under his breath. He gazed at the pregnant woman curiously, as if trying to work out a particularly difficult puzzle.

“Why are you still staring?” Malon whispered. “Stop being rude, fairy boy.”

“I’m not, um, it’s nothing,” he replied. Yet he continued to stare, his eyebrows stitching together in confusion. 

“Well it’s clearly not_ nothing_, Link. Why are you staring at her?” she demanded. An unthinkable suspicion was working its way to the surface of Malon’s mind. 

“I just, I didn’t, I never thought...” he trailed off quietly. 

“You never thought _what_??” Malon pressed him, her voice rising as she placed an imploring hand to his chest. She felt him tense at her closeness. 

He _had _to be joking, she tried to reason (though her wilder thoughts were growing half-hysterical). There was no way that Link didn’t know... _was _there?? 

“I never thought... that Hylians...” He trailed off. His face was quickly turning a shade of red that rivaled her hair. He pulled off his green hat and covered his eyes behind it. Malon took a disbelieving step away from him and stared. 

_ He wasn’t kidding. _Malon stood frozen in complete, dumbfounded shock for several moments. Then, she burst out into violent, hysterical giggles. She laughed and laughed until she could hardly breathe because of the situation’s sheer _absurdity_. Her betrothed, who claimed to be a brave and mighty hero of Hyrule, slayer of countless evil foes, _had absolutely no idea where babies came from_. 

“Malon?” Link asked her cautiously. The wide, apologetic eyes from earlier that morning had returned. He reached out as if to grab her shoulder, but he seemed to get lost halfway because he dropped his hand to his side lamely. His face betrayed a baffled embarrassment that only made her laugh harder. 

“I, just,” she gasped in between her giggles. “You don’t—you don’t KNOW, and, and,” she drew gasping breaths as she tried to calm her mirth. She took his hand and felt him jump at her sudden touch. 

“Oh, but THIS makes you nervous??” she asked incredulously. “All this time I thought you were being a gentleman, and holding back, but...” the laughter came again, as she remembered all the instances when he had stopped at just a chaste kiss and nothing more. At the time, she had chalked it up to his adorable shyness and supreme sense of chivalry. Now she knew the hilarious truth. 

She grasped his hand more firmly and quieted her giggles. 

“We’re going home,” she told him confidently. She yanked on his arm and began pulling him away from the swirling market crowd. 

“Home?” Link questioned as he trailed behind her. “But what about your blouse?” 

She shook her head in playful disappointment. “Fairy boy, you have _way _more important things than laundry to learn about today. C’mon honey. You need a _Talk _.” 

Malon led her stunned fiancé out of the market and back to their waiting horse near the town gate. 

*** 

Malon burst through the back door of the ranch house with Link in tow, startling her father from his late lunch at the small kitchen table. 

“Dad, you need to tell Link!” she declared. 

Talon looked up at his daughter and future son-in-law quizzically. “Tell Link what?” he asked, lowering his glass of Lon Lon milk. 

She stared him down fiercely. “How the world works,” she replied. “Because apparently you promised my hand to Fairy Boy here and he knows _nothing _!” 

“Nothing about...?” Talon was hopelessly lost. 

“Marriage!” Malon yelled. “Babies! This man thinks kids grow on _trees_!” 

Talon glanced back and forth between them in bewilderment. “Well, surely he doesn’t—” Talon broke off when he saw Link’s vaguely confused expression. “By the Goddess…” 

Talon appeared deeply disturbed. His eyes darted toward the door and he began to stand. 

Malon threw up her hands. “So you have to tell him!” she demanded. 

Talon froze. 

“ME?!” he asked fearfully, “Why me?” 

“Because Link doesn’t have anybody else_ to _tell him!”

Talon glanced down at the floor, his face becoming a deep shade of purple as his silence stretched on.

“Really??” Malon shouted in exasperation. Sure, her father’s penchant for dodging uncomfortable jobs was legendary, but she was still irked. 

Both men took a small, furtive step away from her. 

“Oh, no you don’t!” she growled. “You!” she pointed at Link. “Sit down. We are going to have a _chat _.”

Link sat obediently in the kitchen chair and stared up at her through his bangs like a scared puppy. 

“And you!” she cried out to her father who was trying to sneak out the back door. “You are going to stay here and fill in the rest for Link, man-to-man, once I’m finished explaining the basics!” 

Talon blinked twice and also sat down slowly, looking like he would rather be anywhere else in all of Hyrule. 

Both men stared in wordless horror as Malon launched into a shamelessly thorough explanation of reproduction... 

*** 

Malon recalled the priceless expression on her now-husband's face as she had explained to him the ways of family-making so many years ago. 

“You’ve gotten much better at laundry...” she admitted to him with a sly smile. She held up the tiny blouse. 

“You could still wear that you know,” Link told her, narrowing his eyes suggestively. 

Malon gave him a playful shove with her elbow. “Please, it wouldn’t fit me years ago, how in the _world _do you think it would fit me now? I’d be popping out at the seams!”

Link shrugged and glanced away, slightly embarrassed. “I wouldn’t mind,” he said lowly. 

Malon laughed and pulled Link’s head down into a deep kiss. She thumbed at the wool still between her fingers, considering her husband’s words. Sure, he had shrunk the blouse in a moment of cluelessness years ago, but her wide-eyed fairy boy had come a long way since then. 

She pulled away and caught Link’s blue eyes in an intense stare. 

“Give me two minutes,” she told him, pointing to the door. 

Link didn’t have to be told twice. She laughed as the door clicked shut behind him and she began unbuckling the belt around her waist. She had a feeling that he’d soon be staring wide-eyed at the tiny blouse in an entirely different way… 

***  
  
  
_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Som, Bip, and Jade who inspired me with the idea for this fic during a late-night chat session on the LU Discord a long time ago.


End file.
